I just saw a hot homeless man
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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