We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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