worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
