Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
