Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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