you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
