i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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