I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
