Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
