Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
