If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
