i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm too high and old for this...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
