Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
