Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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