Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
