I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
