What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
