I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
