Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
