Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Im part way to drunk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
