she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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