i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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