I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
