i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Couch. On fire.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
