Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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