I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
