he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
