i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
