: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
