I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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