The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
