a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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