We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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