The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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