Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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