my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
