Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
