you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
