i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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