My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
