u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
