I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
