My liver just broke up with me...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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