the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
