so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
