Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
dude. I can hear the air.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
