Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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