1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
