sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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