his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
