I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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