In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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