The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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